5 years

since that fateful day

what welcome us when we got back to his hometown

One random Saturday morning five years ago,

I threw a big pillow to my little giant of a brother to wake him up and all I could say with a shaky voice was

“Dad…”

We went downstairs to see him clutching his chest, struggling to breathe. Did our best to make him feel better to no avail.

An ambulance arrived approximately 5 mins later.

They laid my dad on a stretcher. I was so scared of what might happen next that I didn’t get inside with mom.

My brothers followed on a motorcycle.

And just like that, I’m home alone with the dogs.

The house was quiet, but my mind isn’t. My hands and feet started getting cold.

Grabbed my phone to see Sir E’s message asking: “How are you, Charisse?”

I stared at the message. Not fine. I’m scared shitless.

I don’t know what to reply nor want to overthink possible scenarios, so I just grabbed the dogs and gave them a bath.

Cleaned the whole house, mopped the floors and gathered the laundry to fold later.

By 12pm, I was exhausted and hungry.

Tried to eat some rice cake which for some reason, I could barely swallow.

Then something strange happened.

You could say I’m hallucinating. I swear to God, I really saw it.

A green bird landed on the steel bars where the laundry used to hang. It looked like a parrot.

Stared at it for 5 secs. Strangely, I knew what it means.

My mind thought, maybe it's dad. Maybe he's saying goodbye.

So I turned around to grab my phone only to find it was gone.

Saw the neighbor I told you about instead. He was with a friend, buying halo-halo on the store at the end of the street.

Waited for about 5 mins hoping the bird will return so I could take a photo.

It didn’t. Or so I thought.

Got back to fold the laundry. Only to see it was on the other side this whole time!

And just as I clicked the shutter, it flew away.

The photo was blurred.

Felt annoyed so I deleted it.

I wish I hadn’t.

My uncle called outside the door after. I could tell he knew.

Maybe he doesn’t want to be the one to tell me, so we endured an awkward silence as we wait.

After some time that felt like forever, mom came home with my brothers.

I already knew before she opened her mouth. But somehow, I wished this was all a dream. The news that made me cry a river.

All I could do was hug his freshly folded clothes while crying.

My brother's friend came over and cooked chicken tinola for us.

Maybe because of grief, it tasted bland. Felt like it’s choking me whenever I try to swallow it.

We sat in the living room ugly crying after. No one knew what to say.

Around 9pm, mom came over to my room and slept beside me.

We've never been that close before. I probably squeezed her so tight.

The next days were blurred, at least some of it.

I don’t even want to open my phone and see people greeting me that dreaded word ‘condolence’

My J bro took over the wake and funeral arrangements which I'm forever grateful for as the eldest daughter.

I definitely remember going up to water the plants at the rooftop garden at 12pm, while the sun is at it’s peak after getting overwhelmed with people.

Co-teachers. Friends. Relatives. Neighbors. They all showed up. He was well loved.

Things happened fast. We only had 3 days for the wake because of the pandemic.

On the day of funeral, our dogs ran around the house to catch a live chicken.

guess who grabbed the live chicken by it’s neck?

Me, mom and my brothers stayed in my room and ate a chao fan meal in one plate after burying our head of the house.

Don't know what it was for but it felt good. We're able to smile and laugh at jokes.

The very next day, we learned that our grandfather in the province died last night.

Did I tell you an uncle also died one week before my dad?

Grief upon grief. Somehow this song’s chorus brought me comfort.

There are seeds of joy tomorrow
That You’re watering today
There's a future and a purpose
For every single pain
Let the sadness, let your questions
Roll on down your face
They’ve got a place
So bring 'em here
God doesn’t waste your tears

A lot of things have changed since that fateful day.

I saw an elderly man in a wheelchair last week. Alone in a street full of people, cars and motorcycles passing by.

And I thought...

He could’ve been my dad. What if he lived but have to spend the rest of his life unable to walk?

He’s the dependable one. The one who makes others laugh with his jokes, remembers birthdays and really takes time to check in on the people he loves.

Not being able to do that or even take care of himself?

It would probably break his heart. Then maybe I would be selfish to wish he’s still here with us.

So yea, I’m not my dad’s sheltered Disney princess anymore.

It's been 5 years of running around life with a dad-sized hole in my heart.

More often than not, I have no words and just cry myself to sleep.

The day I chose to work instead of going with my whole family to the mall still haunts me.

It could’ve been one of the last happiest memories together.

Also the night I chose to sleep early instead of sitting by his bedside and listening to his stories because he couldn’t sleep.

I wish I could go back and cherish those moments.

You know what, I enjoyed lockdowns so much. It brought us closer as a family.

There was a day we spent laughing so hard I had gas on my belly that night.

Crazy thought, I once wished we could stay at home forever.

It makes me sad that all the grandchildren he met from us were just dogs.

Eventually, I'll walk down the aisle alone on what should be one of the most joyful days of my life. Can’t imagine the pain.

There are bazillion things I still want to tell him, about my crush not crushing me back, the mango farm and his childhood home I wanted to build a big garden on.

And I would give up anything to get one more hug.

We talked about him at the dinner table yesterday.

How his cursive handwriting was so beautiful.

That the story about a cat peeing on his lesson plan is real.

And if we have questions about the economy, he's the one to be asked.

If not for the bitter gourd we're eating, I would’ve teared up.

Gosh how I miss him :((

Somehow, still grateful we had more time.

That fateful day could’ve happened 8 years earlier.

I was in high school when he had his first heart attack.

In my dreams, memories and in the stories we share at the dinner table, he can still live.

What I can do now is do my best in this game called life.

And encourage you to spend time with your loved ones today. You never know how many chances you’ll get.

In case you don't know, I'm jealous if you still have your dad. Cherish him for me pls.

Much luv,

Joy <3

PS: If you’ve read this far, wow you’re a real mate. Give me a big hug. That means a lot.

what are the chances of having a neighbor who was born and died in the same week as you?